Hi guys! How are you doing today ? I hope you are all doing well and today it’s a little bit different because I want to get more personal with you and share my experience .
I hope that by sharing this would in somehow help some of you .
Also I feel shamed and embarrassed but it is my life and they have been my mistakes and I hope you don’t feel so lonely and know that it is difficult but it is possible to see the end of the tunnel.
Let me do a little introduction before getting personal . I have suffered of this disturb for the last year and I have been in therapy ever since. Since is something I have experienced on my skin the hard way I encourage those of you who read this to acknowledge the fact that I don’t take this subject lightly ,I cannot recommend therapy enough to all of the people out there .
This little blogpost is not to talk about all my therapy journey or all of my disturbs but is to share with you this aspect I guess of my problems and how I have tried for months to resolve them with buying things.
Fashion and beauty have always been something so fascinating for me ,but I have chosen to study medicine and becoming a doctor to make my father proud . It took me a lot of time and a lot of depression to develop and to take in this thought. Is not something I have discovered in one second and it has been definitely extremely difficult ,at least for me , to come to terms with.
Depression is something I have to live with no matter what ,is part of me and there’s nothing I can do about it . There are times I feel good and time I feel awful. It is a cycle and that’s the way it is.
Shopping has always been a huge passion of mine ,especially shops like Zara or Asos are the one I am more drowned to.
To me has always been the feeling of stilling new things together ,to feel beautiful and cool in my new clothes ,to express myself and that is also why I started this blog : medicine has becoming something i do not for me .Don’t get me wrong ,I love medicine ,is my life and has always been (I love science ,chemistry ,biology I think there’s nothing more sacred than savings life and helping other people ) but there’s something in me that at the age of 30 ,don’t want to stay shut anymore and wants to find its way to the surface and speak loud.
My depression mixed with this situation has brought me to feeling the need to shopping ,to becoming depended to that rush of serotonine ,to that light and useless sense of satisfaction that last as soon as the mail man come and I feel terribly awful .
When I get to style and play with the clothes I bought I urge to use them in my photos and I love that process ,the styling up action that I was explaining before. The exciting act of play with something new and to style them up with my older clothes.
The only way I can describe the mental process was being on drugs and cannot stop knowing that I was using my dad money and my own money to buy things is something I will forever have to deal with and I will pay him back every penny but the shame of getting him so disappointed by me and not being able to explain to him how I felt is something I am working on .It is hard and I wan to be the best shape of myself but is not easy .
Something I would do was going and strolling trough zara or zalando app and adding things in the basket . So one of the first thing I did was to get ride of the apps. I would always do this and after a few months when I was feeling secure of my own action I would re install them “just to see” as I would tell myself . But after a few days I would see something beautiful and I would buy it: that little shopping experience would let me to get back on the vicious cycle of shopping and shopping .
The amount of time I would spent scrolling trough those site is honestly horrible .
My father caught the recipes of the bank and stopped talking to me for a few weeks. After those period he would yell at me ,saying horrible things but I stood there and I soak them up . I knew I did something so horrible and so wrong :I used his money when I had not enough of mine ,denying when he asked me if I used his credit card. I was so ashamed ,so embarrassed .
I know this problem has a completely different root and I want to get to the true nature of it. Let me tell you it is not an easy journey. The constant feeling of disappointment I have when I look at myself in the mirror is something I have to deal with and will probably for the rest of my life .
Therapy to me is the key to becoming on working the better version of myself ,the selene who I would love to be and to see from the outside, a woman who know her values and respect herself and her family the way they should deserved.
Hoping that this little blog would be interesting to some of you , reading something like this would have made me feel less alone in this shitty situation I create myself.
Opening the blog has definitely create some more difficulties because I often ,I think is something we can all relate to ,feel the pressure to post something new ,to show something new ,to photograph something new but it is a pressure I want to battle and to change cause I stated this not for showing things off . I started this blog to create a dialogue with you ,to share tastes ,tricks ,products and recommendations.
Let’s all combat the urge and the pressure to always find something new ,let’s all change the system .
My journey is still long and I think is something I will take with me for the rest of my life but I hope to keep on getting better ,day by day ,little by little with the help pf those I can trust.
From my experience i want to highlight the importance of asking for help to this who you can trust and to let them help you with therapy.
I will see you soon filks!