Hi guys! No, I’m gonna talk about joker cause I think people have talk about it enough. But since I watch that film the famose quote about mental illnesses really stuck with me and today I’m feeling kinda Blu so I just want to share some thoughts with you. I really don’t know where I’m going with this topic but I’m going to try to make some sense. I’ve been really struggling all my life or exactly as long as I remember with depression and to me when I was a child and a teenager I also find myself in my mind a lot, like I was constantly constantly thinking and thinking about everything I said or imagined, I don’t know how to explain that concept but basically I always thought of myself as a kind a strange too sensitive and too thoughtful person. I don’t know how things in my head evolved but then I was told I suffer from depression and to it wasn’t like a “oh my fucking God what I’m gonna do” moment. To me it was like an awakening moment and like I finally knew, rationally and scientifically why I was always in my head and why I was always with my thoughts and so and so. The things that surprise me the most is that I feel like I’m always split, I have a very rational thought on one side and a very poetic and sensible side on the other and I always thought that it was impossible to have two so opposite aspects in one person. To me growing up has always meant one thing comprehension of who we are dispute the trauma we go through. I spent, as most of teens I think, a lots of time hating my body and I still do sometimes and for some strange reason even if I knew something was “wrong” I have always loved how my mind worked and I still do. I mean, don’t get me wrong sometimes I really don’t feel this way but most of the time I’ve reach a point of view of understanding and asking why. That process of going through my thoughts is the key to getting to love me better.
Growing up I’ve always try to be as open as possible about my mental health and I’ve found comprehensive people and people who didn’t really and fully understand wich it’s completely understandable. I never aspect anybody to understand what does it mean because you simply can’t. What you can do otherwise is asking questions and don’t treat the other person like she or he is ok because it’s not. Sometimes I feel like I have to show myself low or depressed or exaggerate my feelings and the expression of my feelings of how I feel inside because otherwise people can’t relate and most of all don’t believe me. And that’s wrong. Absolutely fucking wrong. Depression doesn’t live in sad eyes and crying and being alone all the time because life goes on and some people choose to live their life dispute illness. Depression doesn’t define a person. Depression is not meant to express for other people to be loud and clear, it runs in you in your thoughts in your veins in your bones and become a part of you. A part of you that you might hate sometimes but it’s all in you. I think personally that it’s very important to let my friends know about my mental condition and health and I think that it’s much more important that I teach them how to approach the subject if I see them struggle with it. I see that they live for who I am and I don’t want them to feel like they have to do I say something just because I’ve a particular side in my personal mind. I think it’s difficult but it’s a dialog that never makes sense and never stops and that the way it s meant to be. We are always changing always adjusting always flowing through obstacles and the best thing we can do it’s to love our self and that is a never ending process.
Sorry for the strange subject today but I want to share my thoughts with you guys and I think it’s kind of therapeutic sometime.
Anyway, let me know what you think and see you soon folks!